


Shaky Knees

by palacesoutofparagraphs



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 09:40:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5580676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palacesoutofparagraphs/pseuds/palacesoutofparagraphs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finals week was always hard for Alexander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shaky Knees

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this is my first fic so sorry if it's a bit rusty. I have GAD and get panic attacks so I used that as the basis for this. It's my own experience so I didn't do any research, therefore this very well could be inconsistent with typical experiences. Sorry if so!!

Finals week was always hard for Alexander. Of course, he was at the top of all his classes and of course, if he wasn't prepared no one in the class was, and yet every week, he'd work himself into cold sweats thinking about the exams. His years of schooling had somehow brought Alex to the belief that any grade less than a ninety-five was some sort of tarnish to his intellect and humanity. He'd eat little and sleep less, which hightened what he called nervousness but what was undoubtedly anxiety.

Alex had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic attack disorder when he was fourteen and in the foster system. His guardians at the time, the DiAngelos saw his anxious tendencies and took him to a psychiatrist. The diagnosis mortified him. He was already an orphan, and now this was just another thing to set him apart. When the DiAngelos put him back in the system, Alex chose to never let another person see him panic again in the belief that that was why the DiAngelos sent him away. At school, he'd go to the bathroom to sit through his terrible attacks alone. The only signs he let show were his meticulous work and stubbed down fingernails. 

College was harder. Living in a room the size of a school bathroom with another person made it challenging to hide his anxiety. Luckily, he didn't have to hide it around John. John was a sweetheart. Around John, he was safe. And one day, John told him he loved Alex and Alex said he loved him back. John was always willing to hold his boyfriend during a panic attack and it was such a help. However, Alex was still ashamed, and the thought of having an attack away from the dorm shook him to the core, but he could typically escape to a closet or bathroom and undergo the horror that were his attacks in privacy. 

Despite having John as a support system more wonderful than Alex would ever think he'd have, finals still were challenging. After his Constitutional Law exam, Alex began to shake in his seat. He was sure he got fifty-eight wrong he put C but it had to be D and he was sure it was D but they're in Professor Washington's hands now and oh my God he already got one wrong and he's breathing loud and everyone's looking oh God oh God this isn't real Alex stop the room is spinning stop oh God stop--

The bell rang, but Alex He felt a hand on his shoulder; one larger than John's and unfamiliar to him. 

"Hamilton? Are you okay?" The guy said in a deep but kind voice. Alex pulled his head up to see who it was.

"J-Jefferson? What the h-hell? G-go aw-way. I g-get it, we h-hate eacho-other but I c-can't d-do this right n-now!" Alex stuttered, tears pricking in his eyes.

"Alexander. You're having a panic attack. I'm not here to taunt you. I'm here to help," Thomas explained, moving around the desk to sit in front of Alex. 

"Wh-y? Are y-you just trying t-to watch me fall ap-part now to laugh a-at me later? I'm not d-dealing with this now. I'm going h-home," Alex got out thtough tears as he tried to stand on quivering, buckling knees. 

Thomas hooked Alex's elbows to steady him. "No, Alex. I have anxiety too. I know what it's like. It's okay. Everything will be okay. I want to help you, and I get it. Do you want to go home?" Alex nodded. "Okay. Will someone be there?"

"Yeah. My roommate J-John," Alex stated, regaining a little control of the stuttering.

"Okay. I'll walk you back to your dorm. Hartley, right?" Jefferson asked, beginning to walk out the door. The two walked across campus together as Jefferson told Alex about his childhood in Virginia. Thomas was glad to see Alex begin to come down from his attack, despite the competitive spirit the two had seemed to spark from their first debate meeting freshman year. As they approached the door, Alex pulled away from Thomas. 

"Thank you, Jefferson. I never thought I'd see that side of you," Alex admitted, smiling.

"No problem. Glad you're okay, Hamilton," Thomas replied, grinning, "but this doesn't mean I won't kick your ass Thursday at debate."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Good luck with that, Jefferson," he laughed, and turned the key to get back to his dorm.


End file.
